Chasing visions

I should stop fussing over it.
I should stop thinking about you.
I should stop saying it's going to be alright.
I should just, stop.

Stop all of it. Take a break. Restart.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind to a few weeks back when I was so contented with what I had. I was actually happy. Now, I'm not exactly depressed, just confused and troubled. Soon I'll be busy with uni all over again, then I can restart. Hopefully I'll be away from all my worries now. I preferred my trouble free life. Yes, I was busy and stressed with work, but that's normal, it's worth something to be stressed over. It's my future you're talking about.

Now, the things I'm worrying about wouldn't even mean anything to me later on in life. It'll be just another teenage year that I fcked up. Just another mistake that I learnt from. Just another memory I'll miss. Just another great story to be told. To say, "Been there, done that, don't want to repeat it." So, why waste my time now thinking it over and over again when all I can do is already done.

I don't like to be clingy and annoying. If that's all you can answer me, then I'm going to leave it. I want you to fight for me. I need you to fight for me.

T-minus 5 days till Uni starts. I'm definitely looking forward to it now. Most definitely.

Crashing

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” 

Pain is good.

Hurt is good.

Feeling pain and hurt once in awhile, is good. "Going too long without it makes you a robot," he said. Yes, refreshing pain. Reminds you that you're alive. Reminds you that you're still a chess piece in his little game. 

But, I think that's enough for me. That's not only how much I can take, but I only want it this much. 

"It was a mistake," he said. Well, my mistake is for trusting you. For what it was, I don't regret it. I try to live life not regretting anything that I do. So, don't be the first. 

Who says I can't go against the world myself?

Lovers that went wrong

Baby, what are you trying to do?

If you're attempting to take my heart out and break me, you're on the right track. 

But do I deserve this?

I'm confused as Jack. I have my ups and downs and this is it, I think it's time to stop trying so hard when it is obviously going no where. It's your turn. Show me some love and respect, I'll come back to you, hands down. On the other hand, if the world ends.

You like to play around with me because you know that I'm never leaving. Just don't use that against me. Just don't. If I give so much jackfuck about you, it sure as hell hurts. 

Tell me what to do.

Revealing the truth

There are a few things that I can tick off my to do list for my holiday, but with 2 more weeks left there's a lot more that I can do and I will! Plus the fact that I did not too bad for my degree results. So, yay me!

To-do-list:
1. Continue partying hard for 2 weeks!
2. Genting
3. Work out even more. 2 more weeks leggo!
4. Spend time with loved ones, cause once Uni starts I know that I wouldn't have the time.
5. Lose a few kgs. 2 weeks, I can do this.

Had a really good time in Penang, went there just to laze around and do whatever we want. That's what I call a real vacation, where not everything is planned. Basically stayed up watching movies, slept in late then to the beach and loads of fun in between.

And I promise that this place is going to be much much happier and jolly. Still some random nonsensical posts, but other than that, jolly stuff and more pictures of my vain self and some friends. Alright? Cools. Hypothetical high five, nice.

Wreck

I'm a wreck.

When it comes to love, everyone's an idiot. Well, I'm an idiot. We all end up falling head over heels, doing silly things, hurting ourselves, and if you're lucky, the other person gets hurt instead. When I said that the next guy that I'm going to be with will be darn lucky, I actually meant it.

Patience.

That's not the word that you're looking for, it's more of that I have very low self esteem when it comes to love. When I get treated like dirt, I think it's okay, because I don't deserve any better considering what I've done. I deserve to be treated like this. 

You may think for a person with such strong personality like me would wear the pants in a relationship, you're wrong, you're very wrong. I may be stubborn and egoistic at times, but I'm definitely down right, whipped. I start to be clingy, sensitive, emotional, jealous and other weird things that I don't normally do.

So, being in love for me flips my world upside down, inside out. That's why I fear it so much. I fear being that other person. Sometimes I will realize what I'm doing and I just laugh at myself for being so foolish. Bending over backwards just to see him smile or to please him. 

As I was growing up, I was never taught how to express love, to hug or to kiss, no, I don't do that. I just thought that if you love someone dearly, they can feel you. Guess not. They just use you, step all over you, then the painful part comes, 

Goodbye.

If I

Why don't any guy look at me the way he looks at her?

Heartache.

A feeling that I've not felt in a long time. As I get nearer, it gets clearer, it's not how I've pictured it to be, I never liked to be proven wrong, well who does? I thought giving my all would make a difference this time because it was always because I was holding back. Like what I said previously, every situation is different;

Is it the time to fight or let go?

And now I'm thinking to myself, how many more times before I get it right. I've always reminded myself, "I'm going to do it right this time. Just don't repeat the mistakes I've done. It will be just, perfect." I'm pretty confused myself, but I don't let anyone doubt my decisions, because I don't need another person doubting me. Every step I take, I think, too much; used to. Now, I just go darn right ahead and do it. It's like drinking, you know that if you take one more shot, you're going to get so fcked the next day, but you do it anyway.

Living by the moment.

Go with the flow? Well, it has come to a stand still. What should I do? I'm afraid of my every waking moment, and even more afraid of my dreams.

Because, just like her, I wasn't looking at him when he does.

Just a little note

Blurry visions are the best.

They say, fight for something you want, fight for something you need, fight for it if it's worth it, fight for love. Just keep on fighting and it will be over and done with. Fight, just -fight.

They say, let go, if you love something, let it go, set it free, if it's yours it'll come back to you, let go, if it's something special it'll come back to you. Just, let go.

They say, timing is everything, it may be something special, something good for you, but the timing is wrong. So, you can't have it, because it's not time yet, it's not the perfect time, just wait.

Something they don't tell you is, when to fight? when to let go? when is the right time?

That's something you'll have to figure out on your own. There's no perfect guide or way to do it. We'll just have to learn it through experience. Through experience, you'll learn from the mistakes that you've done and, for everything the timing is different. So, you fail at it again, and yet again.

My question now is, the time is here, but to fight or to let go?

And lastly, forgive. Always, always forgive.

Setting fire to our insides

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones,
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

I guess when you're giving in so much, you naturally tend to expect more from it. Like, if you don't even care about it, then of course you don't expect it going anywhere. Being different, giving in as much and not expect from it is hard. We all know that, it's hard, but I can only try. 

Drink till the pain is gone?
Wait till time heals it all?

Dream till the nightmare is over?

For once, we should take control of our own lives, go out there and make it worth something. I don't know what, but at least, something. Well, look at it this way, who am I to be preaching about life when I'm only at the beginning of it. 

The beginning of the end.

The end of the beginning. 

Where are you?

You scare me, I scare you, you scare yourself, I scare myself.

Everyone's afraid. Live with it.

I wish we both could just let go of the past, let loose and just do it. I don't only wish it, I'm doing it. No more holding back, just enjoy the moment. Stop worrying of the future because of your past and vice versa. I've already learnt my lesson, not going to repeat the same mistake, for sure. Not going to do the whole "Oh, I'm afraid that's why I didn't let you know." Screw that! Speak your mind. We can only grow with communication. So,

Talk.

It's free.

Chocolates and Cigarettes

"Stop crying your heart out, it's not worth it," they said.

But then again, what do you know? They say that people that are not involved can normally see things better, clearer. People who are trapped in the bubble can't see what's going on, the bigger picture. So they say. They.

Who knows better than the person feeling the stab straight to their heart?

No one.

We collide

This one's from the heart, my life right from the start.

All you need is just a glimpse of the moon light to know that life is good. Well, life IS good. Amen to that. Besides waiting for miracles to happen and dreams to come true, things are going good.

First week of holidays passed by just like that. I'm hoping that the rest of the weeks are going to be more productive and fun. 2 more weeks till results are out and then 3 more weeks till uni starts again. Sem 2, leggo!