You

Sometimes I dream of myself,
Driving when I'm really high.
On a straight road. Just driving.
Really fast,
Then crashing into a divider at the fork.
And I'm gone.
Just like that.

Slipping

The 'interested or not interested' stage.

When you study everything they do or say to you, looking for hidden meanings. The endless wait of who should text first. Or even when to ask each other out again. Doubting what they feel about you while inventing this crazy fantasy of your future relationship at the same time. Playing hard to get, playing mind games.

Till you hit rock bottom, eventually give in entirely, to becoming a psycho.

Conversations

How's your girl?

It should have been you.

It's always about you and me, 

or you and her?

You are, her.

Yes my boy,

Always will be.

You just have to push me to get me going.

But it doesn't work, you're too slow.

Just push me.

But I won't wait.

Just push harder.

But I'm tired.

I understand.

Beautiful mess

She seems like she doesn't care.
She micro-manages.
She goes where the wind takes her.
She controls.
She is spontaneous.
She has back up plans.
She is a dream.
She is psychotic.
She plays mind games.
She loves.

I don't want to be a part of your parade

 I quit. I fucking quit.

Just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean you can take advantage of me, push me around and play with my feelings. One moment, he's into you, one moment, not, one moment, in between a sea of awkwardness. Seriously. I hate feeling like this. So insecure, useless and useless. But. I'm better than that, I'm better than you and I will not give two fucks anymore.

One fine day

"Out of this world, we are two orbiting stars"

What I feared most happened. 9 months down the road, it happened. For better or worst, I already made the decision so now I have to live with it. Till now, no regrets. I did what I had to do for myself, call me selfish, inconsiderate and the list goes on but I'm clear of what I did. Most importantly, I'm happy that I did it and got over it. I hope that you truly respected my decision and not merely saying it. When two person are so different that they can't coexist together, I really don't see a point and also certain loss of feelings on my side drove me to the end quicker. You can be mad at me, hate me for it, blame me for everything, I gladly take the burden.

It's hard when everyone or almost everyone doubted my decision, even you. I thought to myself and I knew what I had to do so I went ahead and did it. The difference between a successful person and another is where one just says or thinks it, and the other actually does it. Hopefully for the right reasons that I did this this time. Ahh, don't you just love the teenage drama love sob story. After that, they just use every reason to "hate" the male gender and blame all of them for what one guy did to them. Well, luckily I believe I'm not that kind of person or girl.

On another note, I do miss most of the things, most.

Superiors

Don't you hate it when some elder than you, or someone you're expected to give respect to runs you down?
And you're just not supposed to say anything to save your esteem.

I just hate it. Respect don't come that way.

Decorate me

Updates:
1. Practicum 1 aka short sem before sem 3 started last Monday. Just one subject with a intensive crash course of AutoCAD to assist us in the project. 8 weeks excluding 1 week of Chinese New Year holidays. We'll be heading to Ng Clan Building, Georgetown to do our measurements for this subject. Looking forward to that in week 3!

2. I'm currently trying to clean up my oh-so-messy room. It's been on hiatus for so long. I was supposed to do it during my 2 weeks break, but it has been filled up with other more productive things like sleeping and going to Hong Kong for a short vacation.

3. I have new resolutions for this year, which is to save money every month; as much as possible for further use, to only social smoke by my birthday and to work out at least 3 times a week to be fitter. So far, I've been right on track, so I wish myself luck!

4. I started insanity workout. It's only day 2 right now, but so far so good, hopefully I can keep it up for 60 days. I really want my lean body back. Felt so much better. I'm now also trying to eat only 3 main meals a day. Not counting calories and avoiding certain food, just sticking to 3 main meals.

5. Got an iPhone5! The biggest upgrade I've got. Blackberry to iphone5. :D

Sparkle

I want to be that girl that you say "I do" to. (:

Taking a deep breath

It's been awhile since I'm here. Sometimes, I feel so suffocated then I'll get over it. I wonder if he feels the same way too sometimes. I just, have no where to rant. My own personal space; without him there. It's hard to find myself nowadays. Sometimes, when things go wrong, I felt as if I have lost myself. Why do I act such ways when I don't use to? I'm becoming another person, someone I thought I would never be. I put you into so much consideration in everything that I do.

I'm afraid. Everyone is.

It's as if, we're one person now. It's amazing to have you around, yes but at times, I don't know... I thought I was ready for this, well I am, so far, I'm just afraid of the day that I lose you or myself; completely. I get clingy, jealous, considerate, scared and insecure, thinking one day, soon, you will leave me. I just have that fear. It's the only problem you get when you get what you want, you're afraid of losing it. 

I think I've learned to love you, I hope you do love me too, not just something we throw around everyday. 

Red light

A red light never meant stop, or the end for me. It could either mean, get ready, you're up next or it's a hope. Could be false hope too. It all depends. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm losing who I am. Slowly, but surely. I'm turning into someone I don't know, I'm patient, I compromise, I put down all my ego and I just feel that I've lost the essence of doing what makes ME happy only. I don't care what people think, I do it because I want to. I don't even need to, as long as I felt like it.
Now, I put you into consideration for everything I do and sometimes it freaks me out. It's not totally a bad thing who I am now, but. I just don't want to be an idiot. I fear being judged. I can't properly explain what I'm feeling. A lot of mixed feelings. 
Loving every moment with you yet fearing that I will lose you someday. Missing you each time I'm not with you yet fearing that I'll come off as clingy. Being finally ready for a relationship, and realizing that I'm sometimes I'm expecting too much; or just expecting when I shouldn't.
The most scary thing right now is that I'm afraid that I'll lose you, and not because you're going to leave me, is that because I'm going to leave you. I'm afraid of hurting you, because I love you. If I ever hurt you, it's going to hurt me way more, trust me. I'll always say I love you most and if this ever end, I'll take all the pain away from you. I would rather it be that way.
I'm scared that one day when I wake up, I feel that we shouldn't be together anymore. It tends to happen to me, getting those feelings. It will slowly build up on me and I would act on it. I will cry, yes. I will regret, yes. Will I still do it? Yes. Then I'll get over it. But, you? How about you? What will happen? I don't want to be hot and cold with you, but I'm very afraid that it will happen. I try very hard to fight away the feeling. I'm trying.
I'm trying my best, I swear.
And it's so scary how much you love me.
I don't want to scare you with what I'm feeling, so I'm hiding this from you. But, as a couple, shouldn't there be no secrets between us? I don't know, what would be a better choice. To tell you or to hide away and simply pretend that nothing is going on.

But one thing for sure it's that, what makes you happy, will make me happy too.

Go find yourself

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - H. Jackson Brown Jr., P.S. I Love You

The first time that I don't feel any doubts or indecisiveness when I'm with you.
It's something new, but I don't find it strange. As cheesy as it may sound, it felt like it was, meant to be?

For all my life, 19 years, not very long, but yeah, I normally don't know what I really want, but when I'm with you, I'm sure that you are what I want. No questions, no doubts. Before this, I thought relationships and love are just so tough. At one point, nothing will go your way, and you'll feel like such a fool for doing all those things. Maybe it's because when I put so much effort in something, I normally expect something in return.

Don't find love, it'll come to you.

Now I get this phrase. Don't go around looking to fall in love. Fall; moving down freely and rapidly without control. It should be something unexpected. I wasn't looking for love, it was right there and I just merely took the leap of faith to just go with it. There were much considerations but I did it anyways. 

He is just right and ironically, perfect. 

I've got nothing to worry about, well except for the future, but what the hell, live in the present. Appreciate what you have right now or you might regret. 

But I just can't help to wonder, how will this end.

The perfect half

Have you ever regret doing something?

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh till your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!

And yet, I feel bad. Deep inside, I feel bad for what I've done and I question myself in my every waking moment. Did I do something wrong? It's like, I know how it feels like to be in their shoes, and wouldn't want to be the other person. Who likes to be the bad person? To achieve what you want, doesn't mean stepping all over someone else, but that's the easiest way?

It's been awhile since I've done all these thinking. I guess, there are just some things that is stuck in my mind and I don't know who to tell, or I just repeat to people. I don't want to be someone who bombards you with annoying thoughts all the time. I want to be able to share, yes. But there's a certain limit, and I just don't like to repeat myself.

I just need to get over it.

I have to look on the brighter note, I chose to do what I did because I thought it was worth it; right.

To hide or to confess?

To hide your thoughts to keep everyone happy, or the way they were or to share the burden. It's always easier to pretend. No unwanted questions that I don't know how to answer. They would never find out. Never.

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done. " -Lucille Ball 

Never stop dreaming

Updates:
1. Uni life.
All so far so good, group projects starting to finish already, now onwards mostly individual projects, which is something I prefer. Arisan chicken opened in uni! I'm guessing I'll be going there pretty often. Haha!

2. Yes, I'm taken.
First ever boyfriend, official? Yes. Recent? Yes. Till we have pictures it will be up, somewhere, somehow. So, till then!

3. I went to Korea!
6 days vacation was great! Loved everything except for the food. Seriously, it was horrible for me. Earned an 'international husband' cause they tried to pair me up with the assistant tour guide. Haha! Pictures will be up on Facebook soon.

4. Haven't gone clubbing for more than a month already.
But! I'm going tomorrow night with my uni girls. It's been awhile, and it's time to destress and party! That's for them, I mean, I had my fair share of destressing in Korea. I would never say no to more destressing. :D

To-buy:
1. New iPad casing
2. Buy some stationery
3. Buy the pretty Taylor's t-shirt

To-do:
1. Collect hard disk
2. Subscribe to uni's gym

Who's the judge?

Baby I'm yours,Be your forever, be your fling,Baby I will be your everything.
When you're in love, you're so blinded by everything, you tend to miss out their flaws and imperfections. But I guess if you really know the person well and love them, you would love everything about them and tolerate and understand their imperfections. 
I don't understand how someone can hate their ex so much when you've once loved them so dearly. I would say even when it's over with a guy I date, I don't hate them, never hate them. Things got together and fell apart for a reason. Both parties would be at fault. 
I'm just wondering when you date a guy, would you think, consider or mind his previous relationships? Judge how he treated the other girls he had. Would you? Would it matter? Or all that matters is here and now, and that it is you that he loves. Not knowing if a few months down the road, you would join the other girls and hate on him. 
Is it the same situation? Can it be compared that way? Or maybe their previous relationships never worked out for a solid reason and you shouldn't be worried about it. My thoughts would be, every relationship is different, even though it's the same guy. I guess it's cause I wouldn't want to be judged by my pass record. People change, hopefully for the better. 
Then again, you understand exactly how she feels, right then. Been there, not a very good time. It makes my heart sink just thinking about that feeling. When you question everything. Feel worst about yourself. 
In the end, it's whether you will learn to love them, or learn to hate them.