Constructive critism

There is so much potential in you. Stop judging people so hard, be more humble and dream bigger. You can do it, you just need to go and get it.

The moment right before you're about to cry

Wow. Just fucking wow.

Just as I thought some things are getting going, life turns around and bite me in the ass (or the heart).

Why did I give the benefit of the doubt?
Why am I even surprised?
Do I think that highly of people?
Is it my fault?
Did I do something so wrong to deserve this?
Is it even wrong?
Should I be SO hung up about this?
Do I still care?
Do I want to still care?
Why should this still affect me?

You know what, fuck all these questions. The important question is,

How do I be a better me and move on?

There is a void in me

Is it only natural to feel this way post break up? 

Funny enough, it's only slowly taking a toll on me. On top of all the usual life struggles. New place, new face, on the verge of being homeless, trying to make new friends. 

Though, life is going really good. Well, depends what you define life as. 
But. 
There is a void in me. 
And I don't know what's missing. 
I tried to fill it in so many ways and all I'm discovering is those are not it. I go out, I stay in, it feels the same. If it's not a companion that I'm missing, I don't know what is it. 

 Everything is going by so quickly and yet I feel so stagnant.

Surprise

Some people should never do surprises. Surprises are usually not fun because of the way they do it. You don't need to lie and let people down in order to surprise them. Though it always sounds like a good idea to do it but I'd say otherwise. That's why I prefer bad surprises where the other person might know a little about it and does not kill anyone's feelings on the way.

Yesterday's dream

I was at a hip restaurant or a bar seemingly alone. I can't recognize much faces except for one; not a friend but maybe associated. I should be around my friends or people I knew because I was talking to some.

The setting of the place is augmented as usual. It was an old industrial run down 3 story building. It had no floor plates except a tiny slab on the highest floor; ruined wooden flooring, over looking the entire building. I have no idea how we got there in the first place, but that was the least weird thing that happened.

Soon after entering, the only person I knew, let's call her Jane, wanted to leave the area. There was a void which used to be a staircase I'm assuming at the corner of that floor. She had to leap across the void in order to get to wherever she wanted to go.

I was in her way standing at the edge of the void at that time. Jane didn't asked me to move though I saw her wanting to cross. Before I had the time to react, Jane went ahead to take a huge leap from where she was to get across.

She didn't make it, she fell all the way down and I watched as it happened. I was so scared and helpless. I felt like it might have been my fault that I didn't make way for her, but at the same time she didn't ask me to move and went for it.

She was still alive, no death, thank god. So, some friends and I slowly climbed down this void to get to her. She was hurt and needed medical help. I asked if she wanted me to drive her to the hospital or call the ambulance. She said the ambulance because I wouldn't know the way to the hospital anyways. I quickly went out of the building to make a call to the emergency hotline.

There, I was trying to explain to the person the situation and that we needed help, but I couldn't explain myself and the person couldn't understand me at all.

The end.

End things with you

"You have a penchant to be the dominating one. You are a free spirit, and that is what makes you quite a handful for your partner than they initially thought. Being so high maintenance kind of makes them not want to be with you."

"You have a dual personality, always caught up in a web of yes and no, right and left, this or that and so forth. Despite that natural charm and sweetly talkative demeanor of yours, there is still that obnoxious and nervous side to you which mostly fills you with such insecurity and loads of self-doubt that your partner is usually forced to end things with you themselves. After all, no one wants to be left hanging as you sit there resolving your internal conflicts and jumping from one decision to the other in a loop."

This gay zodiac based post from this gay website might be right.

Abgefucked

Emotions are just crashing in and around the voids of me. Filling me up and draining me out at the same time. It is a confusing moment as life passes on by. It's like walking on a busy street, being with people without being with people.

As much as I would love to stand still and watch as life passes me by, I would also jump head first into everything and let it engulf me.

Maybe then watching life pass by as I'm drowning would feel much better.

Reading all of these again just reminds me of all the unanswered questions of my life and how incomplete I am.

On certain days

I will miss you so much, everything around me doesn't matter anymore. Just wanting our skins to touch, even just your voice will do.

On certain days,
we will talk less and I feel so left out. The time, me not being there and basically everything is not helping this situation.

I'm clinging on dearly to our memories in fear that we won't be making new ones. In fear that I won't be good enough for you. In fear that you won't be happy with me. This constant subconscious fear lingering at the back of my mind.

I feel like the only thing I can do is to cry. Sometimes, I don't dare to tell you things or that I'm upset because it will only upset you or anger you.

It's not just down to the minutes, it's the space between them, these intervals between the minutes. I think about you, I miss you and I love you always.

I know it's not your fault, or mine, it's just... That's the worst. That I can't do anything about it but sit here and cry. This is a cry of loneliness, expectations, disappointments, and pure helplessness. I don't want to tell you, I don't want to open up, there's no solution, nothing. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Assume nothing or put my hopes up and bare the consequences of disappointment.

How does one stop crying herself to sleep

Triggered memories.

Even staring at the conversation, knowing that you are staring back at it can make me feel so emotional. I can't even go through a minute without thinking of you. Be it something I want to share with you, something cute, something that happened or just wanting to annoy you.

Even knowing that you will not give in and say something. Anything. I still try. I do not want to get over you, and I hope it is the same for you too. I can only hope, I do not want to know that you are trying so hard to get over me. Just so that you can feel better. I do not want to get over you, because I will not feel better.

You were everything I had, you changed me so much and I am constantly amazed by you.

I do not want to scare you away. I do not want you to block me on everything. I do not want to get subtle replies over your rants online. I want you to talk to me. I just want you to love me. Am I that hard to love?

I gave you all my heart, it is still left with you. Yet, from the moment I left, I felt nothing but you casting me away. As hard as you can. You really try your best to do that and you can still say that you will miss me and love me. I do not understand. I really do not.

You say you love me. You say I am everything you have ever wanted.

And yet you can't promise me that you won't leave me. Or is that I am leaving you. I swear I would stay if I could. I actually thought of staying more than anything else, just to be with you.

I just can't believe that I am not enough for you to even try. I just need you to try. Try to love me even when I am away. I promise I will be worth it.

I promise.

I don't know how many times I can build myself back up after you break me down.

Every time you are angry, disappointed, annoyed or just not pleased with me, I am always at fault. I made a mistake, I made a mistake, I made a mistake. That hurts. That when you speak that way to me, my heart breaks, every time. When you ignore me, my heart breaks. I don't want you to be upset with me, and it seems very hard for me to achieve. I guess I just don't par up. Your words, it may be out of anger, temporary, but it is very painful for me to hear. Yes, you make up for it, but.

I don't know how many times I can build myself back up after you break me down.

A Familiar Sight

Take my good word,
Turn in backwards.

I thought being an achiever would not be hard, or depressing. Though, being an achiever means that I'm always on the lower end. Judged for being not enough. Stressed over being not good enough. Or just a jumble of emotional baggage of the fear of being not up to expectations and being less than... I guess I have had it... easy? Not good, but easy. To love less, feel less, care less, give less, expect less.

The surprise that my ego, guard and confidence can be drained. The feeling of strip naked, bare it all. It is hard. It is new and it is hard. To love more than I can bare, yet it is not enough. That feeling of getting beaten down every time you try your best and to see him disappointed. It breaks my heart. It hurts and it is bad.

Me

"I've always known it in the back of my head, but I'm only now understanding myself that I am addicted to the beginnings of relationships. In the past few months, following the end of a short but intense relationship, I've really enjoyed being a single lady. At the same time, I've also enjoyed dating. Dating multiple people. But the thing is, once I get to know them comfortably, once the relationship arrives at the point of sex (however long that takes), I'm not as interested. And I think it's because I'm addicted to getting to know people, not knowing them. I'm usually disappointed once I do. So instead of looking for that impossible long-term. yes, I'm allowing myself to have fun with the Maybes.
And I'm having fun. I'm just not sure how long it can last."

I've always thought that I was the only one, or at least no one else can put how my mind works better than I can until I found this letter unintentionally at an exhibition in Singapore Art Museum. She had put what I was always pondering about into the exact words as if I found a future me. Someone who has already deciphered how we work.

My reasoning before this was probably because I'm young and immature; and that is why I'm behaving this way when it comes to relationships. I love the beginning of a relationship, not for the chase, but it's getting to know a person.

"And I think it's because I'm addicted to getting know people..."

I'm curious about other people, getting to know them, their lives and their perspectives. I've always been curious about reading people, their body language. Sometimes, one person at a time is not enough. My mind is too active and too eager to get to know someone, study them, that I end up dating multiple people at once.

"I've also enjoyed dating. Dating multiple people."

To me, I don't know when I will lose interest in a relationship. It's not really the sex stage but I do agree to it's when I know the person well enough, when we're comfortable, when everything is a routine, that's when I lose interest. I like to live a spontaneous, dynamic and adventurous life. That excites me and I've yet to find someone like that, someone who constantly fond me.

It really takes a lot for me to fall in love and so far no one can do the same as he did. Even that ended, all because of this situation that I have that I can't seem to escape from. To conclude all these, I will try to live like her, allowing myself to explore and have fun with the maybes. Short, intense maybes.

And when he catches me off guard again, that's when I'll fall in love all over again.

I constantly think about you

Truthfully, you've always been on my mind,
I think about you,
I dream about you,
I fantasize about you,
And me.