30. An internal conflict I have with myself.
Woah! Such good questions coming back to back. Gah, stress.
Okay, well I have a lot of internal conflict with myself.
It's like the whole devil and angel on each side of my shoulder thing.
Love or not to love? Be or not to be?
Cause I've changed so much to protect myself. Apparently.
I've spent months building all these walls up high around me.
Keeping me safe from every single bullshit and truth out there.
So, I guess I'm just neutral too all my feelings.
I was an innocent little girl, who was hopelessly romantic sucker for love.
Of course, "She seems so happy, let's fck her up a little bit," says life.
And now, guess what? I'm not a lover, I'm not a fighter.
I don't let myself love anymore, I don't fight for anything anymore.
Yes, I'm a cold heartless bitch and yes, cliche. Whatever, leave me alone.
Be a little hypocrite bitch or not?
You know sometimes when you're so tempted to just bitch back at someone.
When someone gets on your last nerve and you're about to explode?
Say all those mean things, let your emotions overcome yourself?
Yeah, I've been getting a lot of those internal conflicts with myself.
A part of me wants to just pounce, and the other is staying calm.
Sometimes I even have to call my friends to tell me not to do it,
I have to convince her to convince me to convince myself not to. Get it?
Let's go or just lean back and relax?
I've been wanting to do so many things for my recent break. But nooo,
My sleeping pattern is definitely fcked over, "I don't sleep at night anymore." :P
Or I'm just too lazy to do it. Sigh, I really lack motivation.
The only thing that I've been constantly doing is drawing.
But other things are very much neglected to the max! Gah, stress.
Like, fix my guitar, redecorate my room, wash my car, buy pens, and EXERCISE.
Therefore, starting now, I must not be lazy and I must not say "I'm lazy."