Monday, December 12, 2016

On certain days

I will miss you so much, everything around me doesn't matter anymore. Just wanting our skins to touch, even just your voice will do.

On certain days,
we will talk less and I feel so left out. The time, me not being there and basically everything is not helping this situation.

I'm clinging on dearly to our memories in fear that we won't be making new ones. In fear that I won't be good enough for you. In fear that you won't be happy with me. This constant subconscious fear lingering at the back of my mind.

I feel like the only thing I can do is to cry. Sometimes, I don't dare to tell you things or that I'm upset because it will only upset you or anger you.

It's not just down to the minutes, it's the space between them, these intervals between the minutes. I think about you, I miss you and I love you always.

Monday, October 24, 2016

I know it's not your fault, or mine, it's just... That's the worst. That I can't do anything about it but sit here and cry. This is a cry of loneliness, expectations, disappointments, and pure helplessness. I don't want to tell you, I don't want to open up, there's no solution, nothing. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Assume nothing or put my hopes up and bare the consequences of disappointment.

How does one stop crying herself to sleep

Triggered memories.

Even staring at the conversation, knowing that you are staring back at it can make me feel so emotional. I can't even go through a minute without thinking of you. Be it something I want to share with you, something cute, something that happened or just wanting to annoy you.

Even knowing that you will not give in and say something. Anything. I still try. I do not want to get over you, and I hope it is the same for you too. I can only hope, I do not want to know that you are trying so hard to get over me. Just so that you can feel better. I do not want to get over you, because I will not feel better.

You were everything I had, you changed me so much and I am constantly amazed by you.

I do not want to scare you away. I do not want you to block me on everything. I do not want to get subtle replies over your rants online. I want you to talk to me. I just want you to love me. Am I that hard to love?

I gave you all my heart, it is still left with you. Yet, from the moment I left, I felt nothing but you casting me away. As hard as you can. You really try your best to do that and you can still say that you will miss me and love me. I do not understand. I really do not.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

You say you love me. You say I am everything you have ever wanted.

And yet you can't promise me that you won't leave me. Or is that I am leaving you. I swear I would stay if I could. I actually thought of staying more than anything else, just to be with you.

I just can't believe that I am not enough for you to even try. I just need you to try. Try to love me even when I am away. I promise I will be worth it.

I promise.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

I don't know how many times I can build myself back up after you break me down.

Every time you are angry, disappointed, annoyed or just not pleased with me, I am always at fault. I made a mistake, I made a mistake, I made a mistake. That hurts. That when you speak that way to me, my heart breaks, every time. When you ignore me, my heart breaks. I don't want you to be upset with me, and it seems very hard for me to achieve. I guess I just don't par up. Your words, it may be out of anger, temporary, but it is very painful for me to hear. Yes, you make up for it, but.

I don't know how many times I can build myself back up after you break me down.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

A Familiar Sight

Take my good word,
Turn in backwards.

I thought being an achiever would not be hard, or depressing. Though, being an achiever means that I'm always on the lower end. Judged for being not enough. Stressed over being not good enough. Or just a jumble of emotional baggage of the fear of being not up to expectations and being less than... I guess I have had it... easy? Not good, but easy. To love less, feel less, care less, give less, expect less.

The surprise that my ego, guard and confidence can be drained. The feeling of strip naked, bare it all. It is hard. It is new and it is hard. To love more than I can bare, yet it is not enough. That feeling of getting beaten down every time you try your best and to see him disappointed. It breaks my heart. It hurts and it is bad.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Me

"I've always known it in the back of my head, but I'm only now understanding myself that I am addicted to the beginnings of relationships. In the past few months, following the end of a short but intense relationship, I've really enjoyed being a single lady. At the same time, I've also enjoyed dating. Dating multiple people. But the thing is, once I get to know them comfortably, once the relationship arrives at the point of sex (however long that takes), I'm not as interested. And I think it's because I'm addicted to getting to know people, not knowing them. I'm usually disappointed once I do. So instead of looking for that impossible long-term. yes, I'm allowing myself to have fun with the Maybes.
And I'm having fun. I'm just not sure how long it can last."

I've always thought that I was the only one, or at least no one else can put how my mind works better than I can until I found this letter unintentionally at an exhibition in Singapore Art Museum. She had put what I was always pondering about into the exact words as if I found a future me. Someone who has already deciphered how we work.

My reasoning before this was probably because I'm young and immature; and that is why I'm behaving this way when it comes to relationships. I love the beginning of a relationship, not for the chase, but it's getting to know a person.

"And I think it's because I'm addicted to getting know people..."

I'm curious about other people, getting to know them, their lives and their perspectives. I've always been curious about reading people, their body language. Sometimes, one person at a time is not enough. My mind is too active and too eager to get to know someone, study them, that I end up dating multiple people at once.

"I've also enjoyed dating. Dating multiple people."

To me, I don't know when I will lose interest in a relationship. It's not really the sex stage but I do agree to it's when I know the person well enough, when we're comfortable, when everything is a routine, that's when I lose interest. I like to live a spontaneous, dynamic and adventurous life. That excites me and I've yet to find someone like that, someone who constantly fond me.

It really takes a lot for me to fall in love and so far no one can do the same as he did. Even that ended, all because of this situation that I have that I can't seem to escape from. To conclude all these, I will try to live like her, allowing myself to explore and have fun with the maybes. Short, intense maybes.

And when he catches me off guard again, that's when I'll fall in love all over again.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

I constantly think about you

Truthfully, you've always been on my mind,
I think about you,
I dream about you,
I fantasize about you,
And me.


Thursday, December 25, 2014

You

Sometimes I dream of myself,
Driving when I'm really high.
On a straight road. Just driving.
Really fast,
Then crashing into a divider at the fork.
And I'm gone.
Just like that.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Slipping

The 'interested or not interested' stage.

When you study everything they do or say to you, looking for hidden meanings. The endless wait of who should text first. Or even when to ask each other out again. Doubting what they feel about you while inventing this crazy fantasy of your future relationship at the same time. Playing hard to get, playing mind games.

Till you hit rock bottom, eventually give in entirely, to becoming a psycho.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Conversations

How's your girl?
It should have been you.

It's always about you and me, 
or you and her?
You are, her.

Yes my boy,
Always will be.

You just have to push me to get me going.
But it doesn't work, you're too slow.
Just push me.
But I won't wait.
Just push harder.
But I'm tired.
I understand.

Beautiful mess

She seems like she doesn't care.
She micro-manages.
She goes where the wind takes her.
She controls.
She is spontaneous.
She has back up plans.
She is a dream.
She is psychotic.
She plays mind games.
She loves.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I don't want to be a part of your parade

 I quit. I fucking quit.

Just because I'm nice to you, doesn't mean you can take advantage of me, push me around and play with my feelings. One moment, he's into you, one moment, not, one moment, in between a sea of awkwardness. Seriously. I hate feeling like this. So insecure, useless and useless. But. I'm better than that, I'm better than you and I will not give two fucks anymore.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

One fine day


"Out of this world, we are two orbiting stars"

What I feared most happened. 9 months down the road, it happened. For better or worst, I already made the decision so now I have to live with it. Till now, no regrets. I did what I had to do for myself, call me selfish, inconsiderate and the list goes on but I'm clear of what I did. Most importantly, I'm happy that I did it and got over it. I hope that you truly respected my decision and not merely saying it. When two person are so different that they can't coexist together, I really don't see a point and also certain loss of feelings on my side drove me to the end quicker. You can be mad at me, hate me for it, blame me for everything, I gladly take the burden.

It's hard when everyone or almost everyone doubted my decision, even you. I thought to myself and I knew what I had to do so I went ahead and did it. The difference between a successful person and another is where one just says or thinks it, and the other actually does it. Hopefully for the right reasons that I did this this time. Ahh, don't you just love the teenage drama love sob story. After that, they just use every reason to "hate" the male gender and blame all of them for what one guy did to them. Well, luckily I believe I'm not that kind of person or girl.

On another note, I do miss most of the things, most.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Superiors


Don't you hate it when some elder than you, or someone you're expected to give respect to runs you down?
And you're just not supposed to say anything to save your esteem.

I just hate it. Respect don't come that way.