Saturday, November 3, 2012

Red light

A red light never meant stop, or the end for me. It could either mean, get ready, you're up next or it's a hope. Could be false hope too. It all depends. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm losing who I am. Slowly, but surely. I'm turning into someone I don't know, I'm patient, I compromise, I put down all my ego and I just feel that I've lost the essence of doing what makes ME happy only. I don't care what people think, I do it because I want to. I don't even need to, as long as I felt like it.
Now, I put you into consideration for everything I do and sometimes it freaks me out. It's not totally a bad thing who I am now, but. I just don't want to be an idiot. I fear being judged. I can't properly explain what I'm feeling. A lot of mixed feelings. 
Loving every moment with you yet fearing that I will lose you someday. Missing you each time I'm not with you yet fearing that I'll come off as clingy. Being finally ready for a relationship, and realizing that I'm sometimes I'm expecting too much; or just expecting when I shouldn't.
The most scary thing right now is that I'm afraid that I'll lose you, and not because you're going to leave me, is that because I'm going to leave you. I'm afraid of hurting you, because I love you. If I ever hurt you, it's going to hurt me way more, trust me. I'll always say I love you most and if this ever end, I'll take all the pain away from you. I would rather it be that way.
I'm scared that one day when I wake up, I feel that we shouldn't be together anymore. It tends to happen to me, getting those feelings. It will slowly build up on me and I would act on it. I will cry, yes. I will regret, yes. Will I still do it? Yes. Then I'll get over it. But, you? How about you? What will happen? I don't want to be hot and cold with you, but I'm very afraid that it will happen. I try very hard to fight away the feeling. I'm trying.
I'm trying my best, I swear.
And it's so scary how much you love me.
I don't want to scare you with what I'm feeling, so I'm hiding this from you. But, as a couple, shouldn't there be no secrets between us? I don't know, what would be a better choice. To tell you or to hide away and simply pretend that nothing is going on.
But one thing for sure it's that, what makes you happy, will make me happy too.

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